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Catullus and Ignatius
I routinely translate Latin poems, and was pleased with the outcome of this one. Here's the original Latin: Egnatius, quod candidos habet dentes,
renidet usque quaque. si ad rei ventum est
subsellium, cum orator excitat fletum,
renidet ille; si ad pii rogum fili
lugetur, orba cum flet unicum mater,
renidet ille. quidquid est, ubicumque est,
quodcumque agit, renidet: hunc habet morbum,
neque elegantem, ut arbitror, neque urbanum.
quare monendum est te mihi, bone Egnati.
si urbanus esses aut Sabinus aut Tiburs
aut pinguis Vmber aut obesus Etruscus
aut Lanuvinus ater atque dentatus
aut Transpadanus, ut meos quoque attingam,
aut quilubet, qui puriter lavit dentes,
tamen renidere usque quaque te nollem:
nam risu inepto res ineptior nulla est.
nunc Celtiber es: Celtiberia in terra,
quod quisque minxit, hoc sibi solet mane
dentem atque russam defricare gingivam,
ut quo iste vester expolitior dens est,
hoc te amplius bibisse praedicet loti. And here is my translation(colloquial):
Egnatius, because he has white teeth,
Smiles all over the place. If the culprit had come to the bench,
With the speaker causing to move to tears,
That ass would smile. If near a pyre of a pious brother
he had mourned, with the mother weeping, bereft of her only son,
that ass-turd smiles. Whatever it is, wherever it is,
and whatever he’s doing, he smiles. This fathead has a disease,
neither elegant(as I think) nor sophisticated.
Why must you be a douchebag, my good Egnatius:
If you were from the city, or Sabine, or Tiburtine
Or a fat Umbrian or a plump Etruscan
Or a dark Lanuvinian and toothy
Or Transpandex(to mention also mine briefly)
Or anyone at all who cleans their pure teeth,
However unwilling you are to smile all over the place.
For a smile is a silly thing and there is nothing more silly.
Now Celtiber. Celtiberians on land,
Because each person urinates, this is only in the morning
Teeth and red gums are brushed,
That, by what degree your teeth are more polished,
This thing proclaims the more you drink urine.
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